You Can’t Make This (Horse) Sh*t Up

I figure my body is a microcosm of beneficial bacteria because of horses. At least that’s what I tell myself while I am doing the “stall shake,” a choreographed dance in which I scoop up a pile of poo with a stall fork and wiggle it to sift out shavings and leave horse apples behind.

Any horse person will tell you that those sensible rules your mama taught you about good hygiene go out the stall door when you’re a barn rat. Let’s get real here. Who hasn’t eaten (human) barn buddy birthday cupcakes after doing horsework? We think nothing of picking poop out of our horse’s feet and then sharing a carrot with him (one bite for you and one bite for me).

So, let’s talk about horse muffins.

Before I get ankle-deep into this post, I have to admit that I had a difficult time with its title. My college friends have been sharing their sadly funny life stories recently, and with every unbelievable turn of events, the phrase, “You can’t make this sh*t up,” or YCMTSU, is said as we laugh to keep from crying. There will be more about those stories later but, sadly, the URL YCMTSU.com is already taken.

I was also tempted to use a phrase my father, an Army veteran of WWII and the Korean War, used for a meal made of creamed chipped beef on toast. Much to my mother’s chagrin, my father (from whom I inherited my potty mouth) used the Army name for it but I figured not too many people would know what “Sh*t On a Shingle” is, so I stuck with my current title. Now, back to my manure pile research.

In some countries, people burn horse poop for fuel and it’s also been used as a construction material for bricks as it’s a component of adobe, but after considering this for a while, I think I’ll pass on that sort of recycling. I’m all for saving the planet and I have, on occasion, thought I was hot sh*t, but burning a barnyard commodity and making muck into nifty building materials is just a bit “over-dung” for my delicate constitution. I know, I know, #firstworldproblems.

In reality, it seems that horse manure isn’t likely to spread disease to humans. Between the facts that those of us exposed to horse doo-doo on a daily basis seem to be heathier than our horses (those delicate flowers that seem to find a way to require a vet visit at the drop of a poop pile), and manure’s insignificant levels of the waterborne pathogens C. parvum, giardia, E. coli or salmonella, as well as the lack of toxic chemicals found in horse apples, that extraordinary quantity of ca-ca our horses produce daily just ain’t that bad for our health.

In fact, human and/or dog waste is far more likely to spread disease and parasites than horse poop. And let’s not forget the aerobic work-out we get just shoveling the stuff.

That still doesn’t mean we shouldn’t wash out hands more often. There are some pretty scary diseases out there that can pass from horse to human, though they’re not very common. Salmonellosis, ringworm, anthrax. leptospirosis, MRSA (Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus), and diseases spread by mosquitos and ticks after biting infected equines came up on my Google poople search. So did cryptosporidiosis, caused by an infection by a tiny parasite, and ehrlichiosis, a bacterial disease that affects animals and humans and is transmitted by ticks.

Seriously, I don’t get squirmy when we talk about shoveling, uh, “creamed chipped beef on toast” out of a stall but bring up parasites and ticks and I start itching.

So, do as your mom says and wash your hands before you eat. Oh, and one more thing. While researching synonyms for horse manure, I found “barn dressing, “load of money,” “meadow mayonnaise” and, my personal favorite, “spreading the gospel.”

You’re welcome.